If you’ve been following our posts, a few months back we had someone submit anonymously to our site. We have another one! Do you actually want to be with a smart woman? Yes, this is a real question that I asked my partner months ago. Let me back up. I’m recently divorced and so is he. And we are not young kids anymore. I’ve got kids, he doesn’t, but we are at a point in our lives where we are not trying to “play the field” or “date around”. We are both serious about creating a future together.
Of course, like all relationships, there are some opportunities for growth and a lot of discovery. Both of self and adjusting your needs and priorities individually within the couple. And this question, was asked for a reason. He and his family have shared that his ex was not very smart. I’m sure she had a lot of other great qualities. Of course, those are not the things that most people focus on with their current and newer partner. But this has a reoccurring theme in conversations about the ex.
So, I’ll Take That at Face Value.
If you tell me repeatedly that someone was not very smart, not very bright, not very ambitious or struggled with some things, I believe you. Fast forward a few months, I have that foundation and that foundational knowledge and information. I am now able to apply the filter of personal experience to that knowledge. As you may already be able to tell from this post, I am a smart, thoughtful, caring individual with interpersonal skills and high EQ. Likely high IQ as well, but does anyone test for that anymore?
Anyway, I digress. Which leads us to this odd question that I found myself asking: Do you actually want to date a smart woman? As I think about it, there were a hundred different reasons why this question came up. But I think it’s valid. I think it’s worth exploring whether you are a smart woman reading this. Wondering if you need to ask your partner if they actually want to be with a smart woman. Or, if you are the partner of a smart woman. Wondering what that really means for you to both be with that person or, gasp, decide maybe you don’t want to.
The Thing Is, Again as Someone Who Had to Ask This Question Herself, I Don’t Ask Questions I’m Not Prepared to Get The Answers to.
I just don’t. It just seems like a poor practice to me. I thought through pros and cons before asking, but here is the thing. I know that being with a smart woman or smart person might not be easy. It might be a lot easier for this man to find someone less intelligent. And I don’t mean that to be a dig on his past partners or anyone he may choose to be with in the future. If not me.
It’s simply a fact that a smart woman is not going to be simple to be in a relationship with. Now, do I think a smart woman is absolutely worthwhile to be in a relationship with? Of course! Of course I do! Y’all, we bring a lot to the table! However, we’re also going to do a lot of things or say a lot of things that might feel uncomfortable or challenging in the moment.
I Also, Personally, Identify as a Sensitive, Introverted Woman, or HSP.
That comes with its own strengths and shadows. Including my propensity to overthink everything. You heard me say strengths and shadows! I can own it! I overthink everything. That’s also going to include how I show up in my relationship. How I choose to share my thoughts, my feelings, goals, hopes, fears, and dreams. All of it. And how I choose to bring up issues. Trust me, no one is harder on me than I am on myself. I am a woman in the world and that absolutely comes with a whole host of shit.
With all of this thoughtfulness, all of this care, concern, and introspection comes some pretty big revelations and subsequently, expectations. Just like my expectations for myself are high, my expectations for a relationship are high as well. Arguably, I have high expectations of a partner. Again, that’s me, that’s my story. I own it and I share it. I’ve been clear about that since the beginning because, given everything I’ve already shared, I was thoughtful about what I wanted and needed when diving into the dating pool this time and meeting this individual.
In Fact, All of These Things are What He Said He Wanted.
And what he loves most about me. So, that brings me back to the question: Are you sure? And that’s where it has to be a question. I cannot possibly decide what he wants and needs. Nor do I want to. That’s not my job! He’s a full-grown adult. I CAN share that the area that my observations and experience of our relationship thus far show me some of the challenges that he might be having specifically related to dating a smart woman.
Here Are Some of the Things That Happen When You Date a Smart Woman.
We Will Call You On Your Shit.
On this point, we can probably add confident to the list. A smart, confident woman. Please refer to what I said above about being harder on myself than anyone else. Right? I’m both going to be harder on myself than I am going to be on anyone else. And no one else is going to be harder on me than I am. Once I have done all that introspection and thoughtful reflection, blah, blah, blah self-work time, I will know with certainty whether I am the problem or not. If I am the problem, I’m going to make adjustments. If I am not the problem, I’m going to find it and either cut it out, fix it, or, in this case, ask it to adjust.
So, that brings us to calling you on your shit. Everyone is going to do this differently. My style is pretty gentle and loving. In fact, a friend just told me that today. My style is gentle, loving and maybe even less direct than a lot of people would respond to. That is my style. Another smart woman might be way more direct and/or even confronting when presented with the same potential “problem”. That’s where I certainly can’t speak for everyone, but I will say that it feels pretty congruent that a smart woman is going to call you on your shit.
Another Thing a Smart Woman is Going to Do is Refuse to Tolerate Nonsense.
This is separate from calling you on your shit. If I care enough to call you on your shit, that means I see potential for change. I see the good, the possibility in you or in us that makes it worth my time and effort to call you on it. If I didn’t, I’m not going to tolerate it. I already said I would cut things out. That includes people. This is where the confidence piece comes in. Ten years ago I would not have the confidence to do that. At this point, it’s vital. Calling you on your shit, not putting up with nonsense, and a smart woman is likely to help you become the best possible version of you. A smart woman sees your potential, sees you for who you truly are and who you may want to become.
Do not hear me say that a smart woman needs to change you. That’s not the point. The point is if you come to me and tell me “I would really like to become better at this” or “This would be my dream job”; “I would love to do more of this”;”Ugh. I wish we could do this…” A smart, motivated, confident woman is going to try to help you figure that out. So, don’t come to us with problems just to bitch about them. Come to us with problems you want solutions for. Or preface the conversation with “I just need to bitch about this. I don’t need it to go anywhere.” Because otherwise, a smart woman is going to help or know when there is no point in helping.
Is Your Partner Sure? Begin Online Couples Therapy in Orange County, CA to Find Out.
As smart women, we know when it is time to make changes and decisions. If we are in a relationship and it’s not serving us, we are going to make changes. We don’t want to waste our time or our partners’ time if it’s not healthy and productive. At Moxie Family Therapy, we know being a smart woman in a relationship with a partner can be both rewarding and also challenging. That’s why we are here to help you and your partner find the answers you are looking for. Our team of compassionate therapists is here to support you both in accepting and understanding each other for who you are, while still challenging each other to grow. Or, if it’s not the right fit, to be brave enough to make the decision that is best for both of you. To start your therapy journey at Moxie Family Therapy, please follow these simple steps:
- Contact Moxie Family Therapy
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Start figuring out the answers you and your partner are looking for!
Other Therapy Services Offered at Moxie Family Therapy
At Moxie Family Therapy, we know you may have other issues or challenges that you would like to address. That’s why our therapists at Moxie Family Therapy offer a variety of therapy services so you can adjust, change, and evolve in a positive direction. We provide a variety of therapy services online and in-person at our Orange County, CA-based practice. Our therapists offer counseling for young adults, children, women, teens, and couples. Also, we offer therapy for therapists, clinical supervision, counseling for adoption, art therapy, and play therapy. Our team is also happy to support the LGBTQIA+ community. Contact us today and we will support you on your journey to reclaiming your moxie.
About the Author
Meet Melissa Mellon, LMFT, a compassionate therapist in Orange County, CA, specializing in empowering couples navigating relationships with intelligent women. Melissa provides a safe space for partners to explore emotions, strengthen their connection, and foster meaningful relationships. With expertise in relationship dynamics and self-expression, she guides couples through the challenges of dating smart women, incorporating creative therapeutic techniques. Melissa emphasizes self-care and fostering meaningful connections, offering a transformative journey of healing and self-discovery. Schedule a consultation with Melissa today for guidance and support in cultivating a fulfilling partnership with an intelligent woman.